Monday, May 08, 2006

ode to my new favorite medicine

much more important than the fact of orange being the most beautiful color in the world...

is the reason why it's garnered that reputation here at the funcave.

and that is all thanks to the titular med...

namely pyridium.

write that down.

seriously.

if you ever need it, you will want to do more than thank me for telling you about this.

you'll be more likely to give me your first-born...

disclaimer: this post might get a tad graphic. queenie, that means i will not be using the word wee at all. consider yourself warned.

obviously, your friendly neighborhood happyorangeboy had some very important work done recently.

as part of that, yours truly was catheterized during surgery.

now, i had no recollection of this whatsoever, as it was blessedly done after i was put under, and removed before i woke up in recovery.

however, job #1 for each and every patient is to make sure their plumbing is working before they can be discharged.

and since yours truly was due to leave the hospital the next day, i was on a bit of a deadline.

now, for those of you who have never had the particular pleasure of being catheterized...

my first attempt to use the bathroom after surgery was accompanied by pain that i can only describe as trying to piss razorblades.

of course, i immediately asked dumbass nurse #1 if that was normal.

and...of course...she had no idea.

worse yet...

she pretty much ignored completely what i was telling her.

which was that i could go more, and needed to go more...

but could not because it hurt so fracking badly.

because of some insider info, yours truly learned about sweet sweet pyridium

in a nutshell, pyridium is an analgesic, which soothes pain.

and its particularly helpful mode of transport in this case?

well, i'll give you 3 guesses...

and the first 2 don't count.

but one of its primary side effects is...

you piss a bright bright, heavenly orange while it is in your system.



thanks, however...to the sheer stupidity of the nursing staff at that time...

it was 4 horrific hours from asking for it before i received the first dose of pyridium at all.

during that time, i had to endure:

a bladder scan...

which included dumbass nurse #3 prodding and pushing on my bladder the entire time, because she didn't believe i really needed to go.

when the ultrasound reading indicated in excess of 1 liter, she actually had the nerve to say...

well whaddya know, you wuz right.

re-catheterization...

which involved the singularly worst pain i have ever experienced in my entire life, bar none.

as in...

take those aforementioned razor blades...

heat them until they are red-hot...

dip them in acid...

light them on fire...

and then stuff them from whence they came.

now, said pain was neither the insertion, nor even the removal of the catheter...

no, the worst pain occurred when...

dumbass nurse #2 picked up the bag and yanked on it!

her reason?

she needed to read how much was in there.

obviously, her stupid hick ass couldn't just kind of watch and think dayum, that thar shore is filling up right quick.

which why your friendly neighborhood happyorangeboy has now decided to start a scholarship fund at whatever bobbi sue beth school of nursing & truck stop it was that deemed these fracking morons healthcare professionals.

watch for more details soon...

better yet, buy a t-shirt!

btw...

big huge thanks to the mastermind, who promised to punch them all in the face if she's ever here in town.

so i've got that going for me...

1 Comments:

Blogger Susanne said...

could they not have taken your need to describe things in graphic detail out during the operation too?

sheesh - TMI (Too Much Information!)

4:42 PM  

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